***more later***
Sunday, November 16, 2014
missing
I was looking through this blog earlier this week and it only occurred to me that with the death of the other one, I have actually lost quite a lot of content.
Now I know I had virtually zero readers bar myself but then again, most of those posts were written for me as a record of what goes through my head. Some of those were reactionary so whatever I had written back then would've been a decent snapshot of how my mind was working back then and I can read those words with a fresh mind and perhaps a fresh perspective.
Except it is now all gone.
It's a funny feeling.
I've never held onto anything like that in any precious sort of way and knew from day one that it was more or less an exercise in indulgence; an ego stroking pursuit as it were. Now that it is gone, I wish I had kept more of them in an easily accessible form like a simple notepad doc or something.
I've always tried to write as plainly and as simply and as honestly as I can so I guess there is a part of me that feels that I have lost something now. Those that have known for the longest all say that I don't ever seem to change and those words that I put down could well have been my only record of who I used to be, that I could look at and see my reflection.
Perhaps that is an indicator that I should put a little more effort into this remaining one.
Now I know I had virtually zero readers bar myself but then again, most of those posts were written for me as a record of what goes through my head. Some of those were reactionary so whatever I had written back then would've been a decent snapshot of how my mind was working back then and I can read those words with a fresh mind and perhaps a fresh perspective.
Except it is now all gone.
It's a funny feeling.
I've never held onto anything like that in any precious sort of way and knew from day one that it was more or less an exercise in indulgence; an ego stroking pursuit as it were. Now that it is gone, I wish I had kept more of them in an easily accessible form like a simple notepad doc or something.
I've always tried to write as plainly and as simply and as honestly as I can so I guess there is a part of me that feels that I have lost something now. Those that have known for the longest all say that I don't ever seem to change and those words that I put down could well have been my only record of who I used to be, that I could look at and see my reflection.
Perhaps that is an indicator that I should put a little more effort into this remaining one.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
another farewell?
there was supposed to have been a little BBQ - Picnic on Sunday at London Fields as it was possibly the first good weather we've had on a weekend and that park is one of the few where you are allowed to actually set-up a barbeque.
Alas, as with many things "organised" by Miss M, things didn't quite work out...
For a start, no-one bought a barbeque.
The last I heard, she was looking at getting some disposables and just to make sure, I sent her a link to a small portable one that looked pretty decent too and at a bargain £10 too. At the same time, fearing for my belly, I set about making some picnic food.
Anyway, so it looks like she's thinking of going home for good.
Kinda shocking.
A little bit upset maybe.
It'll sure be a quiter place without her around.
I have to say I'm a little puzzled by her decision making. As far as I can tell, a lot of it is down to her visa expiring soon and she said something about not being sure if it'll get renewed. On the other hand, she is less than a year away from being able to apply for permanent residence and a British/EU passport. I would've thought that it was logical to hang on for that (maybe) extra year to get that little red book.
Somehow though, in her head, the time and cost involved doesn't seem worth it; or perhaps she doesn't feel like she wants to go to all that hassle. I don't know. What I do know is that I wasn't the only one who thought this didn't seem like the best reason to go home when the benefits of getting a EU passport far outweighs the drawbacks.
Alas, as with many things "organised" by Miss M, things didn't quite work out...
For a start, no-one bought a barbeque.
The last I heard, she was looking at getting some disposables and just to make sure, I sent her a link to a small portable one that looked pretty decent too and at a bargain £10 too. At the same time, fearing for my belly, I set about making some picnic food.
Anyway, so it looks like she's thinking of going home for good.
Kinda shocking.
A little bit upset maybe.
It'll sure be a quiter place without her around.
I have to say I'm a little puzzled by her decision making. As far as I can tell, a lot of it is down to her visa expiring soon and she said something about not being sure if it'll get renewed. On the other hand, she is less than a year away from being able to apply for permanent residence and a British/EU passport. I would've thought that it was logical to hang on for that (maybe) extra year to get that little red book.
Somehow though, in her head, the time and cost involved doesn't seem worth it; or perhaps she doesn't feel like she wants to go to all that hassle. I don't know. What I do know is that I wasn't the only one who thought this didn't seem like the best reason to go home when the benefits of getting a EU passport far outweighs the drawbacks.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
...not the six legged variety...
I can't shake this uneasy feeling that I've had since Monday.
Not much was said so I have a feeling that whatever was said, was very considered and deliberate. If that is the case then what did I hear?
A feeling of being trapped.
A little afraid.
Neither of those are good things by themselves but together doesn't paint a very nice picture. I'm still not sure what kind of conclusion I can draw from that. The last thing I want to do is mis-interpret what was said, especially when there was so little.
I think my biggest fear is that they do exactly what they said they tend to do, that is nothing and to just sweep things under the proverbial rug and carry on. If I'm being honest, it sounds like a little of that is going on now, as it apparently already has before.
Right now though, I'm trying to figure out what I want.
Is it that I want them to say something specific, to make a certain choice and to make a start along that road? Or do I just want them to start to talk more, to be more open, to say what they are thinking and thus acknowledge it and have someone else reinforce/support/confirm those thoughts?
At the moment, I am not even an observer, just a sounding wall of sorts and well, not much has been sounded. I don't rule out that maybe I wasn't listening properly and didn't hear the words that were said.
We shall see.
Not much was said so I have a feeling that whatever was said, was very considered and deliberate. If that is the case then what did I hear?
A feeling of being trapped.
A little afraid.
Neither of those are good things by themselves but together doesn't paint a very nice picture. I'm still not sure what kind of conclusion I can draw from that. The last thing I want to do is mis-interpret what was said, especially when there was so little.
I think my biggest fear is that they do exactly what they said they tend to do, that is nothing and to just sweep things under the proverbial rug and carry on. If I'm being honest, it sounds like a little of that is going on now, as it apparently already has before.
Right now though, I'm trying to figure out what I want.
Is it that I want them to say something specific, to make a certain choice and to make a start along that road? Or do I just want them to start to talk more, to be more open, to say what they are thinking and thus acknowledge it and have someone else reinforce/support/confirm those thoughts?
At the moment, I am not even an observer, just a sounding wall of sorts and well, not much has been sounded. I don't rule out that maybe I wasn't listening properly and didn't hear the words that were said.
We shall see.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
unlike Kinder....
....not all surprises are good.
It did strike me as a little strange that she seemed so eager to see me but I wasn't expecting that at all. I have always kinda prepared myself for certain conversations for well, emergency purposes as we all know how well I don't deal with situations that require a genuine emotional response; thus I like to have some sort of prepared reply tucked away in my mind somewhere, if for no other reason than to ensure that I don't have nothing to say.
Well, I had nothing to say.
I think it was more that I know there's nothing for me to say that she didn't know already and she wasn't very forthcoming either when it came to it so I was not even entirely sure what she wanted from me at that moment in time. It was clear that she wanted to say something but didn't know how. She wanted someone to listen but she couldn't articulate the words so what was there for me to do?
I am still a little in shock.
Of all of the people I know, she had always been the one that figured knew what was what and that she, knowing her own mind, would be pretty quick to make decisions. What I hadn't accounted for was how difficult she finds it to go into motion about those things she knows.
I am left wondering what I can do.
I can't make her take the first step so isn't a kick that she needs.
She doesn't need me to tell her what to do.
Maybe she just needed to know that I am still here?
It did strike me as a little strange that she seemed so eager to see me but I wasn't expecting that at all. I have always kinda prepared myself for certain conversations for well, emergency purposes as we all know how well I don't deal with situations that require a genuine emotional response; thus I like to have some sort of prepared reply tucked away in my mind somewhere, if for no other reason than to ensure that I don't have nothing to say.
Well, I had nothing to say.
I think it was more that I know there's nothing for me to say that she didn't know already and she wasn't very forthcoming either when it came to it so I was not even entirely sure what she wanted from me at that moment in time. It was clear that she wanted to say something but didn't know how. She wanted someone to listen but she couldn't articulate the words so what was there for me to do?
I am still a little in shock.
Of all of the people I know, she had always been the one that figured knew what was what and that she, knowing her own mind, would be pretty quick to make decisions. What I hadn't accounted for was how difficult she finds it to go into motion about those things she knows.
I am left wondering what I can do.
I can't make her take the first step so isn't a kick that she needs.
She doesn't need me to tell her what to do.
Maybe she just needed to know that I am still here?
Sunday, March 09, 2014
Model Building
I've decided to document those seperately so that some people clicking through to the models are hit with the rest of the rubbish that I might post about here.
So, first Work In Progress (hereafter known as WIP) post.
Airfix Porsche 928 S4.
The build is actually complete but I'll do as best a job that I can a WIP series.
The finished result.
It's a little tricky to photograph these things well as they are scale 1:24 which makes them about 6-8 inches long and I don't have a camera lens good enough to make them appear "real" scale. There is an entire art to scale photography that I haven't quite gotten into, partly because I don't have the tools and partly because well, lazy...
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Complete Gallery
So, first Work In Progress (hereafter known as WIP) post.
Airfix Porsche 928 S4.
The build is actually complete but I'll do as best a job that I can a WIP series.
The finished result.
It's a little tricky to photograph these things well as they are scale 1:24 which makes them about 6-8 inches long and I don't have a camera lens good enough to make them appear "real" scale. There is an entire art to scale photography that I haven't quite gotten into, partly because I don't have the tools and partly because well, lazy...
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Complete Gallery
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